TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically recognized for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed with the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally away from place. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have One more location wherever American Males can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: offer you Absolutely everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs Trump Tower Damascus have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he must stop working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the venture, replied, "You know, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Good tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the making's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not only unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Options


Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will likely consist of:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Ideas through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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